Tuesday, November 1, 2011

The Morning After


            I forced myself to get up. I needed to pee, but then I started to think. If the day ever came, I would need proof. As badly as I wanted to curl up and forget what happened, I could not stomach Coop walking around free and unpunished for what he did. I stared at my reflection in the mirror and noticed the fingerprints around my neck. I started to cry again. I didn’t know which way I was going to go, but either the law or the streets was gonna give me justice. I grabbed my keys and headed for the hospital.
            When I arrived at County General, I went straight up to the OB floor. I knew Grace was on duty and I needed her help. It was so ironic how I’d come full circle. Grace was my father’s girlfriend and I never liked her. First, she wasn’t my mother and I had always hoped my mom and dad would get back together. What child of divorce didn’t? But what I really disliked about her was that she was a dancer. She’d danced in Daddy’s club for years. What I didn’t know was that she really was going to college and when she graduated, she quit dancing and began working as a nurse. I still didn’t like her, but I respected her and I believed she loved my father.
            She spotted me as soon as I came off the elevator. When I saw her, I swallowed hard and walked over to where she stood at the nurse’s station. She looked at my face and asked,
            “What’s wrong?” I shook my head and tried to smile. Grace grabbed my hand, led me into a room and closed the door.
            “I know I have no right to ask, but I need a favor,” I said. I could see the concern on her face. She smiled and nodded.
            “What do you need?”
            “A rape kit. No one can know.”
            “Oh my God! Who was it? I’m calling you father!” she spat, her hand on the doorknob. I touched her shoulder and whispered,
            “Please. Not yet. I just need you to collect any evidence and . . .” I felt like my throat was closing. I couldn’t breathe. She pushed me back onto a chair in the office and gave me a bottle of water from a mini fridge tucked away in a corner.
            “Evidence and what else?” she asked.
            “I need to know if there’s semen present and if there is, I’m gonna need the Morning After pill.” I couldn’t even believe I was saying those words.  
            “We have to call the police. It’s like with gunshot wounds. They have to be reported.”
            “No! Grace, please! I don’t know what I’m gonna do yet! That’s why I didn’t go to the ER. I came here to find you. Please, help me,” I whined. She took a deep breath and sighed.
            “I still think you should tell your father.”
            “It would break his heart.” Grace’s eyes widened and she knew.
            “Coop.” was all she said and I burst into tears. She pulled me close and held me.
            “Grace, Daddy can’t know. No one can know. OK? Please. I’m gonna handle it. I just don’t know how. But in the meantime, I gotta pee and I wanna shower. Before I do either, I need you to collect the evidence.” She nodded and brushed the hair out of my face.
            “OK. Stay here, I’ll get a room ready. Just stay put.”
            She was only gone for a few minutes leaving me time to contemplate what I was going to do. I knew I couldn’t get the police involved because it might bring heat on Daddy and Spence. Although I knew Daddy and Spence would murder anyone who hurt me, the emotional toll it would take on them knowing it was Coop and having to deal with him was too high. I also knew that Derek would go slap off if he knew what Coop did. But that would expose our relationship and open a whole new can of worms. The door opened and startled me. Grace stuck her head into the room and said,
            “Come with me.” I followed her down the hall into an OB exam room.
            After the exam, I went home and showered. I had to do something with Derek and I knew my time was running out. The warm shower comforted me as I scrubbed Coop off my skin. When I pulled the T-shirt over my head and released my hair from the ponytail, I noticed the bruises around my neck again. If Derek saw that . . . if anyone saw it, I’d have to explain it. I changed into a turtleneck. I knew my family was due back soon and I didn’t want to see them. I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge, threw the pill in my mouth and swallowed it.
            As I was leaving, I passed Daddy and Spence returning from the airport. I didn’t even look up. I couldn’t. I just mumbled something as I got into my car.
            I sat in Derek’s driveway for a few minutes before going to his door and knocking. He flung the door open and grabbed me.
            “Oh my God! Are you OK?” he asked. I nodded and pulled away from him. Derek closed the door and followed me to the sofa. I sat silently as he hit me with a barrage of questions, none of which I could answer honestly. What happened? Where did Coop take me? Did he hurt me? He asked every question except the most important one. Was I raped? I was so relieved that he didn’t ask, but I knew it was on his mind. He stared at my face until I asked,
            “What are you looking at?”
            “You. I’m trying to see the truth because you’re not telling it.”
            “What do you want me to say? You think I can’t take care of myself?” I asked, annoyance in my voice. He sat back away from me, his brows curled into a confused frown.
            “Look, a nigga kidnaps you outta my bed at gunpoint! I’m not supposed to have questions? I called your phone forever and you didn’t answer! I’m not supposed to have questions?”
            “I’ve answered your damned questions, Derek! What d’ya want from me?” I shouted, standing and grabbing my purse and keys.
            “Leah! What the fuck?”
            “I’m out. I’ll holla at you later,” I said. He grabbed my wrist hard and I freaked.
            “I’m sorry! Hold on! Just hold up a minute!”
            “For what? So you can cross examine me some more? No, Derek!”
            “Look, you know Coop gotta be dealt with. I just need to know what he did so I’ll know whether to kill ‘im or just fuck him up real good,” he said. I knew where he was coming from. Coop had not only disrespected him, he disrespected his home and his woman. I really wasn’t mad at that. I wanted Coop to get got. But I also needed to protect Derek and my dad and brother. I had to handle it by myself. Then I looked into his eyes and saw his anger and pain.
            “First, it wasn’t your fault. He snuck you. OK? So don’t blame yourself. Second, yeah, we had a fight. He doesn’t like me seeing you. He says I’m sleeping with the enemy and he threatened to tell my dad. He followed me home and I went to bed,” I said. He searched my face for a clue. I was stoic. He stared at me to see if I would flinch. I didn’t.
            “Did he touch you?” he asked. My insides quivered.
            “Nah, it wasn’t that serious. OK? So, can we drop this? I just wanna go home and get some sleep.” Still staring, he stepped aside and let me pass to the door. Just before I walked out, I kissed his cheek. 

Monday, August 22, 2011

My Second Time

          You don’t know me and you don’t need to. All you need to know is that we are more the same than different. I have decided to open my world up and share some shit I been dealing with. Maybe I can help someone. Maybe someone can help me. We’ll see.
          This all started in 1995 when my mom had enough of my dad’s bullshit and bounced. Yeah, she left me, but I understand why. My dad would’ve hunted her down and killed her if she had taken us when she left him. My brother, Spence, and I were hiding in his closet that day. I was five and Spence was eight.
          Daddy was screaming and throwing things, but Mama never said a word. He called her every kinda hoe, slut, bitch he could think of and she refused to respond. Or maybe she just didn’t have anything to say. She was leaving. That was final. He was keeping us. That was final. There was nothing left to say. It got quiet, then I heard Mama’s heels on the hardwood floor, clicking toward Spence’s room. Then they stopped and Daddy said,
          “Don’t touch that doorknob. Those are my kids. Get the fuck out my house and don’t ever darken my door again.” Without a word, the clicking grew fainter and fainter until I heard the screen door swing open and slam closed. I often wonder about that day, why she didn’t cuss him out or say something. Anything. I wonder what she was thinking and did she cry when he locked the door behind her. Did she think of us . . . of me?
          A few months later, Spence came home from school with Cooper Brown. A tattered little thing, face all molly with a fucked up, nappy-ass fro, Cooper Brown, Coop, was a lanky boy with big white teeth and hazel eyes. He was one year older than Spence, but they were in the same grade. Coop was born in December and started school late. At just nine years old, he was already as tall as my daddy’s shoulder and Daddy was six-two. Spence was tall, too. Me? I’m built like my mama, short with big legs and thighs and a big behind. That’s what kept getting me in trouble, but it wasn’t my fault. I don’t think. Anyway, Coop had no home or family. He never talked about it and no one asked. Daddy just took him in and raised him.
          Fast forward to now. I’m 20, in my second year of college. My college experience has been really awesome because I had everything I needed. Daddy gave me a Camaro for graduation. At first, I didn’t want it. It’s a man’s car. It’s shaped like a penis! But when I sat in it and started the ignition . . . well, shit, I ain’t gonna lie, it turned me on. I was so hot by the time I drove home from graduation, I needed a shower. I was seeing someone special later that night.
          If you’re wondering if we’re rich, yeah, we’re hood rich. Daddy is a business man. He owns a couple of strip clubs and dabbles in other things. I kinda know what he does, but I mostly don’t, so no one could ever get any info outta me. I don’t know nothing. But Spence has been working with daddy since he graduated college three years ago. I find it fascinating that he went to college four years, got a bachelor’s degree in criminal justice and came back to our shitty little town to hustle for our dad. On the other hand, from a street perspective, it’s brilliant. What better way to get over on the law than to know it inside and out?
          Daddy offered Coop the opportunity to go to college, but he declined. He went into the military instead. Just up and enlisted in the Marines one day and came home and told us. I knew that over the years, Coop had started looking at me less as a sister and more as a woman. He was fiercely protective and extremely jealous of any guy I liked and he was suspicious of everyone. He was known to stalk me, following me on dates with other guys. I never gave it any thought until the night he told me he was in love with me. I was dumbfounded and said the first thing that came into my head,
          “Boy, stop. You’re my brother.” The next day, he came home with enlistment papers.
          It bothered me so much! I knew he would volunteer to go to the desert and fight. I’d seen him like this before. When he was hurt, he’d get reckless and pick fights, whether he could win them or not. I was never afraid for him in the streets. That boy lay hands on you, you know you been touched, ya know? But over there was a different story. I couldn’t bear the thought of him going over there and dying without me straightening things out. Before I could talk to him, though, he was gone. He left me a note that said, “Goodbye.” That was it. One word.
          It was probably just as well that he was gone because I was going to give my virginity up grad night. I had waited until I was 18 and graduated high school at the top of my class. I applied and was accepted into an HBC and had academic and track scholarship money. I’m a sprinter and I’m fast; not Olympics fast yet, but I intend to be by my college senior year. I had done everything right. It was time to celebrate me and my flame, Derek Mills. I was ready. I had been to Victoria’s Secret and gotten all the essentials. I showered and changed. I wanted to be fresh for him.
          Anyway, I stuffed my big LV bag with overnight stuff. I didn’t want Daddy knowing my plans. It’s bad enough he still thought of me as his little girl, but he had always hoped me and Coop would hook up. Daddy loved Coop and knew how Coop felt about me. He was pulling for Coop, but it was no use. My heart belonged to D-Rek. This wouldn’t be a problem if not for the fact that Derek’s dad, Bobby, Daddy’s former business partner, might have been responsible for my parents’ split.
          Daddy claims that Mr. Bobby was sleeping with Mama for years. It not only ruined our family, it drove a wedge between Daddy and Mr. Bobby and the business suffered. Daddy bought Mr. Bobby out and Mr. Bobby went into business for himself. He owns strip clubs, too. But he also owns a club where music rules. It’s called Groove House and every Monday night is open mic night, hosted by D-Rek, a poet and rapper himself. That’s where I first saw him. We never went to the same schools and after Daddy and Mr. Bobby parted ways, I never saw him again until one open mic night. He recited a poem he wrote called, “Body and Mind Intertwined.” The whole time he was speaking, he was looking right at me, like I was the only person in the audience. After the show, he grabbed my arm on the way out the door and asked for my digits. I got his instead.
          When we realized we were in a Romeo and Juliet type situation, we decided to stay on the low until we were both eighteen and no one could stop us. No one knew we’d been accepted to the same college. No one knew that we were sneaking around. It was so exciting, keeping our love secret. It was romantic. He was romantic and I knew that my first time would be romantic. I procrastinated for a while, wondering if Daddy was gonna interrogate me. To my surprise, he didn’t. He only said, “Be careful out there.” I kissed his cheek, grabbed the keys to my new black Camaro, and headed for Derek’s house. His parents had gone out of town for the weekend, giving D-Rek permission to have a grad party if he wanted. Instead, he and I would spend a quiet night together.
          When I got there, he was waiting for me. He met me on the porch and kissed me into the house. I couldn’t stop smiling as my insides quivered. I was scared, but I knew I wanted it to be Derek. I couldn’t imagine anyone else. He took my hand and led me into the basement where he lived. The lights were low, the AC was blowing, giving me chills, and on the stereo he was playing old school slow jams. Scented candles and incense permeated the air. An ice bucket on the coffee table chilled a bottle of champagne. Two flutes stood adjacent to it. He sat on the sofa and reached for me. I joined him there and he held my hand.
          “Scared?” he asked. I wanted to lie, but I figured why bring deception into the most open and honest thing that would ever happen to me? I nodded. He cupped my face in his hands and stared into my eyes. “You know you don’t have to do this if you’re not ready,” he continued.
          “I’m OK. Pour the champagne,” I replied, trying to sound confident. I reached into my bag and pulled out a blunt I rolled before I left home. My hand shook trying to light it. He took the blunt from me, lit it until it glowed orange on the tip, inhaled deeply, then placed his lips close to mine and exhaled while I inhaled. He hit it a couple more times, then passed it back to me. I hit the blunt several times, trying to settle my nerves. The champagne cork flew out with a loud pop! I almost hit the floor! He poured each glass full and handed one to me.
          “To our night. Fuck everybody else,” he said. We clinked our glasses together and I took the bubbly straight to the head in one gulp. Then I poured another and repeated. All these thoughts were running through my mind. What if I can’t do it? What if I’m not good at it? What if I turn him off? As I was about to pour my third glass of champagne, he took the bottle from my hand and set in on the table. Derek stood in front of me, his bulging zipper right in my face. I panicked. Why was he standing there like that? What did he expect me to do? What was I supposed to do? I know he didn’t think I was going to do that! I was not going to do that. My heart was beating so hard, I was sure it would burst through my new Victoria’s Secret pink lace push-up bra.
          “Come here, baby,” he said, his voice low and soft. He reached for me and I stood into his stance and sort-of fell against him. I was a little tipsy and that blunt I rolled came from Spence’s stash. He had the OG Kush. I was feeling alright. So when Derek’s lips drifted from my ear to my neck to my shoulder to my cleavage, I didn’t push him away. I didn’t stop his probing hands as they fumbled with the buttons on my blouse. Standing a full foot taller than me, Derek got low to feel me the way he wanted to. Soon, our legs were weak and we just kinda melted into the plush carpet and each other.
          I won’t go into details because that was special and nobody’s business but ours. Well, I will share this one little nugget. If you’ve never done it before, there’s no point in delaying it. That is to say that when he was poised to enter, I kept pulling back and saying,
          “Wait, I’m not ready! OK, I’m ready. Wait! Not yet.” There’s no way to get ready for the physical act of sexual intercourse. Nothing bigger than a tampon has ever been in there. If you’re gonna go there, just close your eyes, grit your teeth and get it over with. The sooner you get past that very first insertion, the sooner you get to the feel-good and thus the closer you are to the ooh-wee! I am happy to say that I had an orgasm but it didn’t happen right away. I think he was so excited, having waited so long for me, he didn’t hold on very well. But when bruh got that second wind . . . well, like I said, ooh-fuckin’-wee!
          It was everything I hoped. He was gentle, romantic, loving . . . nasty, raunchy and hot. We’ve been together ever since. But it almost didn’t end up that way. The next morning, my dream became a nightmare. I still stand by the decisions that I made, but it was an impossible situation. But sometimes shit happens and you have to deal with it the best way you can. I was willing to accept the consequences of my actions and I stand behind that to this day.
          As I lay in my lover’s arms, basking in the love we made all night and looking forward to the breakfast-in-bed remix, I was rudely awakened by Coop’s voice. Was I dreaming? He was saying,
          “Get the fuck up!” I opened my eyes, but the room was dark and I couldn’t focus. Derek sat up next to me and reached to turn on the light. Coop said, “Don’t fuckin’ move, man! I’ll fuckin’ kill you where you lay!” I shook my head and squinted. I could barely see Coop’s silhouette in the flickering candlelight, but I knew it was him. Long and lanky. Unmistakable.
          “Coop, what the fuck?” I yawned. Then I saw the gun in his hand. My eyes stretched.
          “Are you awake now, princess? Get the fuck up, get dressed and let’s go!” he said.
          “Did my father send you? I told ya’ll I’m grown! I make my own decisions!”
          “Leah, shut the fuck up and get the fuck up!” Coop shouted. Derek grabbed his pants from the floor and stepped into them, pulling them up. He turned to face Coop and started to say something, but Coop whacked him with the butt of his pistol and Derek went down. I gasped. I couldn’t believe Coop had hit Derek like that. That’s when I knew Coop was on some other shit and this might not end nicely.
          I pulled my jeans on, buttoned my shirt all the way up, and stepped into my pumps, then thought better of it. In case I had to run, I put on the flats. Then I stood and started toward Derek to see if he was OK, but Coop grabbed my arm and yanked me out the door. I was screaming by then, but Derek was out and it was so early in the morning, I was sure no one else heard me. Coop pushed me into the driver seat of his Challenger, got in on the passenger side and, pointing the gun at me, said,
          “Drive.”
          “Where?” I asked.
          “Just fuckin’ drive, bitch!” he spat.
          “Hold up! Bitch? Who you callin’ bitch?”
          “You, bitch! Shut up and drive cause the way I feel right now, I’ll shoot yo ass and we can both die in this muhfucka!”
          “Dude, what is wrong with you?” I asked, trying to calm him. He wasn’t having it.
          “Aw, don’t try to be all nice now cause I got this gun in my hand! Yo daddy know you sleepin’ wit the enemy?” he asked. At least he didn’t yell.
          “Where are we going, Coop?” I asked again.
          “Cross the bridge.”
          “Why? Ain’t nuttin’ open no where this early in the mornin’.”
          “Why are you fuckin’ talkin’ to me? Shut the fuck up!”
          “I’m tryna find out what the fuck is going on with you. Nigga, you holdin’ me at gunpoint! This is kidnapping! It’s a federal offense! And you wanna go cross the bridge? Cross the state line? Look, just tell me what’s wrong!” I urged.
          “I’m leaving tomorrow! I arranged to be here for your graduation! It was supposed to be our night! My last night with you!”
          “I’m sorry, Coop. I do love you, but it’s not romantic love. I know you volunteered to go to Afghanistan and I’m terrified that something will happen to you. But that doesn’t change the way I feel. I’m sorry, but I just don’t feel it for you that way.” I felt like I was talking down to him, but I was being as basic and uncomplicated as I could. I had to ease my hand out of the lion’s mouth. There was one thing I was sure of, though, and that was that he wouldn’t hurt me. He was mad, real mad, but he would never hurt me. He was too afraid of my dad and brother. All I had to do was let him vent for a while and he’d let me go.
          All my certainty went out the window when he made me take exit 15 which went back into a very isolated area we called Bullet Creek. That’s where they brought guys who had crossed my father. Lots of bullets out there, at least, that’s what I heard. He had me drive down one winding dirt road after another until he was satisfied that I didn’t know where I was. Then he said, “Pull over here.” I stopped the car and started thinking.
          He had dragged me out the door so fast, I didn’t get my purse, which had my phone in it. My Mace was on my keys, also in my purse. I didn’t see his phone. It must’ve been in his pocket. I didn’t see any way out as long as he had that gun. I sat there staring out into the misty pre-dawn. For a moment, we just sat there, breathing. Then he pounced on me, pulling at my clothes, grabbing me, touching me. The whole time he’s whispering how much he loves, needs, and wants me, I’m thinking, “Did this nigga not hear what I had just said?”
          How much plainer could I be without destroying him? I was trying to be kind. But when one hand reached into my bra and the other was fumbling with the button on my jeans, I knew it was time to wrestle. Apparently he wasn't as afraid of my fam as I thought. I hoped he would come to his senses as I struggled more and more against him.
          “Coop, stop! This shit ain’t funny!” I shrieked when he got my zipper down.
          “Stop fighting me! I don’t wanna hurt you!” he said. His voice was raspy and choked. He was wrestling with his emotions. I thought I could tap into that.
          “You don’t really wanna do this, Coop! Come on, it’s me. It’s LeeLee!”
          “Shut the fuck up! Goddammit! You brought us here! This is your fault!” He ripped my blouse open, buttons flying everywhere. I liked that shirt, too. I wrangled, but he was too strong. That’s when I started to cry because I knew I wasn’t gonna get away. I took myself out of my mind and began to contemplate the aftermath of this offense. If I tell Daddy, he’s gonna kill Coop. It will break his heart, but Coop will have to go. If I tell Spence, it will break his heart, but Coop will have to go. If I tell Derek, he will kill Coop and there goes our future together. But would he still even want a future with me after being defiled by this ape?
          I never understood why, like in movies, when a man is raping a woman, he expects her to respond positively. Coop was trying to stick his tongue in my mouth while his hands busied themselves with other parts of my anatomy. Then something completely backwards happened. He bit down on one of my nipples and my back arched upward toward him.
          “No!” I growled, “Coop, please! Please don’t do this to me, man!” My nipples were erect and I became moist, just from his touch. I didn’t want him to touch me. I didn’t want him inside me. But my body responded in spite of the trauma. This would baffle me for years. It haunted me because I felt somehow that I had encouraged him to rape me. I didn’t move though. I lay there like a dead fish. He was panting in my face, his breath thick with the sour smell of gin.
          Coop needed both hands to pull my pants down. When he started to tug at them, I flattened my bottom into the seat, but he wedged his hand underneath me and pulled them down over my hips, then knees, and finally off and onto the floor. He crouched over me and just stared, his breathing loud and shallow.
          “You are so fucking beautiful. Shit! It’s not fair. This shit ain’t fair!” he yelled. I thought he was changing his mind. But he seemed more determined than ever. I lay there in my pretty pink bra and panty set that I bought for Derek. Coop slid a hand between me and the car seat and undid my bra. I tried to pin my arms down to keep him from pulling it off, but he pried my arms loose and went to town. I still wonder who all that foreplay was for. With angry hands, he dragged me into the reclined passenger seat and ripped off my thong. Then he pinned my hands above me, parted my thighs with his knee and grunted when he broke through.
          I fought and scratched at him, causing him to keep slipping out until he clamped his hand across my throat and squeezed. Arms flailing, I tried to get his hands off my neck, but he wouldn’t budge. His eyes shut tight, he was somewhere else. Just pumping and sweating. I looked over his shoulder through the front windshield and tried to take my mind out of it. What was I gonna do? I couldn’t go the police. Daddy and Spence didn’t need that heat. I didn’t want Derek to get off track. He was going to med school. If he knew this, he’d throw away everything for revenge. I couldn’t tell. I couldn’t tell anyone.
          When he finally finished, he collapsed on top of me, like I wanted to snuggle. I pushed him off me and grabbed for my clothes.
          “Leah . . .” he started. I held up my hand and shook my head.
          “Just take me home.”
          “I-I’m sorry, Leah. I don’t know wh-what happened! I just . . . I love you and . . .” I wanted to say,
          “Muthafucka, just take me the fuck home, you short-dick bitch!” Instead, I just said, “I’on wanna talk, period. Just take me home.” He started the car while I put myself back together. When he pulled into my driveway, I started to get out and he grabbed my hand and placed a little blue velvet box in it. Tiffany’s. He went all out. I opened the box and stared at the huge platinum diamond ring inside.
          “Your dad helped me pick it out,” he whispered. I clapped the lid shut and dropped it onto the passenger seat.
          “Hope you saved the receipt.” I didn’t look back. I walked up onto the porch, got the spare key from under the flowerpot and opened the door. I stepped across the threshold and closed the door behind me. I didn’t look back.
          My whole body hurt, but I dragged myself up the stairs to my room, closed and locked my door and fell into my bed, sobbing. I never thought this would happen to me. I never thought it could, especially from someone so close to me. I was too tired and weak to even wash his filth off me. I don’t even know if he wore a condom. Probably not. He probably thought we just consummated our love. What a sick. twisted fuck Coop turned out to be! I threw up.
          At some point I drifted into a fitful sleep and was awakened several hours later when Derek called me on the house phone. Spence knocked and said,
          "LeeLee, some nigga wants you on the phone and Dad wants to know if you're coming to the airport with us to see Coop off."
          "Tell Coop I said goodbye and good luck. I'm not going," I replied, fighting back my tears.
          "Mmm Hmm. Grad night hangover, huh? OK. Take some aspirin. We'll see ya when we get back. Don't forget the phone."
          "K. Thanks." I placed my hand on the cordless and took a deep breath. How was I gonna explain this to Derek? No one could ever know what Coop did, but I had to tell him something. I couldn't think; I just held the phone, listening to him breathe. Then I hung it up and turned the ringer off. I just couldn't face him. The phone lit up and stopped, lit up and stopped for the rest of the day. If I didn't say something to Derek soon, he was coming to my house and that could not happen.